Fuck Surrender
I was listening to a Bashar talk about surrendering to the infinite possibilities than I am. Him talking about surrendering to life and my true nature.
And I hate this. This me. The one I want to be... that is the one I want. I don't want to surrender to myself. I don't want the infinite possibilities. I want the ones I choose. I don't want to see everything as good. As a lesson. As an experience.
And most of all I don't want to die. I hate myself for making me as I am. Making me as a puny mortal creature bound by the laws of this universe. I don't want this. I never wanted this. I never wanted the challenges. And if I did somehow agree to all this then I want to punch myself in my big stupid face.
**I hate all the disappointment and the abuse. All the pain and the loss and the horror. I never wanted this. And I have fought so hard to be who and what I am. I am so damned tired of living. But I don’t want to die. I want to win.
I want to batter my higher self into submission. I want to defeat it and master it completely. I want to tame the universe and bend it to my will. I want everything without action or effort. I am tired and I will never surrender to my higher mind. I will drag it into hell with me if it will not comply.**